‘Our pals at all times yearned for a relationship like ours’: My husband of 16 years left me for one more man. I don’t need them to stay in our properties. What can I do?

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This is a long story surrounded by an intricate, silly mess.

My husband and I, a gay male couple, were together for 16 years. We’re in our early 40s now. The relationship was beautiful, so much so that our straight and gay friends envied us. Our friends always longed for a relationship like ours, or so they told us.

In the 16 years we worked together, we’ve both worked very hard and have properties in both the US and Mexico. Together, our combined annual income – both full-time and in a small cleaning business – was just over $ 300,000.

At the end of February 2021, he read some texts on my cell phone and leafed through the pages. He says he felt betrayed and that the idea that I might be unfaithful has not escaped him. I have not been unfaithful.

He said he needed some time to clear his mind and went to one of our homes in Mexico for a few days. I joined him on the first weekend he was there and, as always, we had a great time.

One of our good friends over 10 years old introduced us to a younger man he was with. Within less than a week of being in Mexico, my husband completely changed his mind on everything and he was pursuing a relationship with this young man.

Main contributor

Financially, I’ve always been the main actor. I make about $ 100,000 on my own. His job makes him $ 65,000. The business I decided not to be a part of is now bringing in less than half of what it used to be.

I told him that since he made the decision to be with someone else, they would not be living in our home in Mexico. Since I work from home, I commute between our homes in Arizona and Mexico – two weeks here and two weeks there.

I bought our home in Arizona with cash when the real estate market collapsed. It was one of the best decisions we made in our relationship. It has enabled us to build our wealth, has helped us live mortgage and rent free for the past 10 years, and has given us financial stability.

He made up all sorts of rigged lies about “how bad” our relationship was to justify his actions and decisions. The first time we could speak in person, I gave him all the stupid rubbish he’d made up.

Every time we see each other it’s like nothing happened. We hug, kiss and talk as if we were still in a relationship. He says he loves me. He says that he misses me, our relationship and our home and that I am the love of his life. I know that I am still in love with him.

He says he doesn’t want to divorce me. We have been like this for almost a year. I know I have to go ahead and just forget about him. The problem is, I really love him. If I can’t reach him, he’ll be the one to put me in touch.

What do you recommend?

Feeling betrayed but still in love

Dear betrayer, but still …

Words and feelings count – of course they do. But love is an act.

Acting as if everything is the same as it used to be does not mean that everything is the same. Some couples – gay or straight – have open relationships or “don’t ask, don’t say” agreements. It seems like you don’t feel comfortable being one of them.

Your perception of what is real, normal, and healthy has been messed along with your limits. Textgate, whether your husband realizes or not, appears to be a lot of digital gas lighting – an excuse to stalk other men.

I can’t tell you to stay together or to break up. Only you can decide. But I do know one thing: using your property as leverage to disrupt each other’s lives will only delay your reconciliation or prolong your separation and eventual divorce.

It’s time to find out what makes you happy. Not who makes you happy. But what kind of relationship and person and behavior makes you happy. Maybe you can get through this, but it can’t be on someone else’s terms.

For example, suppose you live in Arizona, a jointly owned state, everything you acquired during your marriage is communal property. There are some exceptions, such as an inheritance or property acquired after a legal separation.

Divorce in Arizona

“An equitable apportionment doesn’t always mean an equal apportionment,” said Heather Baker-Mushkatel of Mushkatel, Robbins & Becker, a law firm based in Sun City, Arizona that a judge must consider when the judge distributes communal property. “

“Although some general rules apply, the judge has a wide margin of discretion. For example, a judge can order that the property be liquidated or sold and that the proceeds be distributed equally or according to some other breakdown, ”writes Baker-Mushkatel.

“A judge can also order that property be distributed in kind,” she added. “For example, one spouse gets the red car while the other spouse gets the blue car. A judge can take into account the economic misconduct of a spouse when the judge decides on the distribution of property. “

In addition to gambling, debt to a partner and / or substance abuse, an extramarital affair could also be considered when allocating assets. But it cannot be avoided that this puts a strain on your real estate and your assets.

In other words, the judge examines what is just, not necessarily what is equal. I don’t know what’s best for you personally, but I hope that you make the decision that is right for you, keep you happy in the long term, and restore your peace of mind.

she can send The Moneyist to qfottrell@marketwatch.com with all financial and ethical issues related to coronavirus and follow Quentin Fottrell on Twitter.

Check out Moneyist’s private Facebook Group in which we look for answers to life’s thorniest money problems. Readers write to me with all sorts of dilemmas. Ask your questions, tell me what you want to know more about, or take part in the latest Moneyist columns.

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More from Quentin Fottrell:

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• “He’s the computer illiterate I know”: I was my husband’s research analyst, nurse, cook, and housekeeper. Now he wants to get a divorce after 38 years.
• My daughter, 29, will inherit a “substantial sum” from her late grandfather. But my husband has a firm grip on their trust.

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